Thought for Today 5.2.26

        I was not surprised when I found myself pregnant with Jordyn. I was not even trying to protect myself from it. I knew that she was a girl from the day that she was conceived. (and yes, I know exactly what day that was) And I knew that she was sent to me by God to save me from myself. She was the most beautiful little girl with the biggest heart. I did my best to raise her right. I poured so much love into her and tried to raise her differently from the way that I had been raised.  I tried to protect her from the very things that she is facing now.

She is on a very dangerous path, and I feel like there is nothing that I can do to save her.  I go to bed every night worried that she will get a bad batch of dope or overdose. I worry that she will piss the wrong person off and they will do horrible things to her. I worry about all of the terrible things that she is allowing men to do to her to feed her addiction. I worry because she told me that the boy that she thinks that she loves, beats her and allows her to do things to score drugs for both of them.

When she used to let me follow her on Life360, I would sit in bed at night and watch her drive down some of the most concerning roads. When her car would not move for a while, I would start to panic, thinking that she had been involved in a wreck, until the little dot would start moving again.  When she stayed, what looked like in the middle of the woods, for days, I would snapshot the location, and send it to her dad, so that we could lead law enforcement to her dead body.

          The last time that I talked to her was a couple of weeks ago, before she lost her phone. She told me that she was getting ready to go talk to her old employer that had told her that she could come back to work. She sounded almost like herself again. After a week or two of not being able to reach her on her phone, I reached out to the boyfriend and the boyfriend’s mom on Facebook, just to make sure that she was ok.  He finally answered me the night that they were arrested and told me that she was with him and she was ok.  The next morning, I received a phone call from his mother telling me that they had been arrested, riding the streets on a stolen 4-wheeler.

        I am relieved that she is in jail right now.  For the past week, I have been able to sleep easily at night knowing that she is safe. I pray for her constantly.  Not for her to escape the trouble that she is in, legally, but to learn from it. I want her to realize the path that she is on has only three outcomes. Death, Prison, or Redemption. I NEED for her to sit in the jail for a while and just "be still". I wanted to go this weekend and visit her, and really have a talk with her, face to face. But I found out from the jail that they have not had "Visitation" since Covid. I wrote her a heartfelt letter instead.

I told her that her dad and I would not be bailing her out of jail that she needed to take the time to think about where her life was heading. I explained to her that she is not wise enough for the life that she has chosen or the people that she is associating with. I told her that thew will chew her up and spit her out and leave her to pick up the broken pieces of her life. I told her to reach out for mental or medical help if she needs it. I told her that I really want for her to choose rehab, but not to get out of the trouble that she is in, but because she realizes that this is the only way that she is going to escape the path that the drugs have led her down. I asked her to ask the jail for a Bible, and to really reach out to God. However, I explained to her that neither God nor Rehab will help her until she is fully ready to surrender herself and her life over to them. I pray that she writes me back. I pray that she listens to her mother. I pray that God gives her comfort

        My heart is aching for her. It is so hard knowing what a person is supposed to do but not being able to convince them to do it. I know the outcome if she does not listen and heed my advice, and it is killing my soul. So, I pray.

It is also hard for me to see her make the local online news and to read the posts that are plastered all over Facebook, calling her "Redneck Trash" and all of the other vial comments. I pray that the people who sit behind a screen and use their keyboard's to pass judgement and post vial comments are never faced with this situation. I pray that their children, or loved ones are never in a similar place. I pray that they never have to endure the pain that this addiction is inflicting, or the fear of losing their child.